Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash
Well, it is now 11 pm on Monday 5th April and it is 7 whole days (give or take a few minutes) since I last self-harmed by cutting myself. Yay for me!
The last time I self-harmed I was actually a patient on a hospital ward following admission due to a Paracetamol overdose and self-harm — taken into the hospital by the police no less (the guys were great and non-judgemental).
This was Sunday 28th March. I had my wounds cleaned up, steri-stripped, and bandaged, had my bloods taken in A&E and hooked up to antidote drip, but nobody asked why I had done these things to myself. I was then taken to the Assessment Ward and put into a bed. Still, nobody had asked, “Why?”
Morning rolled around and I was brusquely told that a Nurse from the Psychiatric Liaison Team (PLT) would be around to speak with me. Still, nobody had asked, “Why?”
Eventually seen by the PLT nurse — he was as much use as a chocolate poker in a bonfire! Didn’t really listen to me trying to explain my situation. How I felt abandoned by medical services over my physical health issues, abandoned by mental health services regarding my mental state, abandoned by City Council Social Services. He asked “Why?” but didn’t listen to me.
Told him that I had phoned the Crisis Team at the hospital twice in the previous fortnight and how they said that self-harm and suicidal ideation did not a crisis make and that I should basically pull myself together! He again asked “Why?” but again didn’t listen to me.
He then took me back to the ward leaving me no further forward. Roll on to late Monday evening. I was still feeling very depressed and told the ward staff that I knew if I went home I would self-harm again. Seen again by PLT nurses. Different ones this time, but still fed me the same old patter. They asked “Why?” but didn’t listen to me.
Taken back to the ward and told I would be discharged within a couple of hours. I self-harmed on the ward then, about 11 pm, using scissors I had in my bag. Response from the nursing staff was to tut at me and call me a “Silly bloke”!
If it hadn’t been for all my friends on Twitter from the Camerados movement that I’m involved with (especially Maff), my #BeMorePirate crew, and some holy people of various faiths praying for me I wouldn’t be here now.
Seven days without cutting myself. I’m not saying that the urge to self-harm has gone — far from it! The urge is there 24/7 as is the suicidal ideation. However, I’m fighting the urges with the help of the people mentioned above.
I’m going to continue to post about my journey to, if not exactly recovery, at least to a better place.
I’ll edit this shortly to add some links to good Mental Health support.
Peace and love to you all.