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Lonely is the Hardest

Look out the window at the crowded streets below
Seems everybody has someplace to go.
Look in the mirror with far away eyes
Cry in silence at a wasted life.
Do you believe when I tell you
That lonely is the hardest.
Do you believe when I tell you
That lonely is the hardest state of all.
Suzi Quatro ‘Lonely is the Hardest’

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash

Well, today is my 59th birthday and like pretty much every day of the year I’m spending it alone.

Since losing my parents in 2008 I lost what little contact I had with my aunts, uncles, and cousins – they never really bothered with me before then anyway. I was always the black sheep of the family.

As for friends? Well, I lost a lot of the fair-weather type friends when I lost my job in 2013 following my heart attack. I still see them around the area but they never bother to speak.

Other friends drifted away when my health — both physical and mental — started to decline. I’ve made new friends through my voluntary work but they mostly live a couple of hundred miles away so socializing is difficult 😔. The few that live closer involve a train journey costing £15 return, which having to survive on the pittance paid by ESA benefit is a lot of money!

For people in the 35 – 60 age range there is very little provision for combatting loneliness and isolation. Everything seems to be aimed at those 65+.

So, yet again I’ll be spending my birthday alone. As indeed I spend my life. The only social interaction I’ve had this month is 90 minutes talking with fellow volunteers at a group 50 miles from my home. So yeah, I’m feeling down on what should be a happy day.

Blog Personal

We drank a toast to innocence —We drank a toast to time — Reliving, in our eloquence — Another “Auld Lang Syne”

I had planned on my first post of 2019 being a somewhat optimistic one — looking forward to what this new yeat will bring. However, when the time came I couldn’t face pretending to be cheery.

So, I’ve spent the the first day of 2019 just as I spent the last day of 2018 — alone. Which is pretty much how I spent most days last year and indeed the past 10 years. I know my mental health issues at times make me hard work at times, but it would be nice if friends I’ve known for years actually bothered with me and occasionally asked if I’d like to be involved. I generally enjoy being alone but I dislike being lonely.

Looking at some of my IRL friends posting Facebook/Twitter on NYE saying how much they were enjoying themselves with other of my IRL friends at various bars,club etc. Not once thinking of asking if I’d like to be with them. A couple of my friends do make an effort and I love them for it.

Especially sad to see people I thought were close friends posting about being together in a pub on NYE only 10-15 minutes away from my place. Obviously I’m no longer good enough for them to ask “Hey bro want to join us?”

Then there are the fairweather friends who don’t bother with me now because I’m no longer working and thus unable to take them out for drinks or buy them things.

So, I spent NYE alone in my flat, demolishing a bottle of vodka and 10 cans of ale — finally fell asleep about 7am this morning. Woke around 1pm and felt no different.

I don’t plan on doing anything until next week. I need to think things through and come to decisions about both my future and my so-called “friendships”.

How wonderful to start the year on a downer! Then again, a great deal of Bipolar Life is a downer!

Anyway, rant/moan/whinge over — sorry to bored you! Have a good 2019! Hopefully, by this time next week I’ll be in a better mood!

Blog Personal

Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!

If you start listening to “Ride” by Lane Del Rey at exactly 12:58:31 on New Year’s Eve, you can sing along to “I am alone at midnight” at exactly midnight. Start your New Year honestly.